Reflections at 40

At 6:23pm today, I turn 40. I never imagined myself getting to this age. Inside, I still feel 25. But I’ve certainly absorbed many joyous, challenging, fun, difficult, troubling, and existential lessons over these 40 years. In that way, I feel 40.

None of us can stop the march of time or reverse aging, and I feel that inevitability just a little bit more today. 40. But the great part of turning 40 is that the accrued lessons of my somehow simultaneously crazy yet sober life all begin to fit better together like a giant puzzle starting to make some kind of sense.

More importantly, I realized at the end of my Top 500 Favorite Albums project in June 2016 that my life was in an existential rut. Life wasn’t bad. But I had lived life hard from the minute I moved to Atlanta to about mid-2013. With my own tiny business, I used my flexibility and freedom to curb several debilitating habits: overwork, taking on too many obligations, and letting life dictate arbitrary activities to me. I was not intentional with my life, but I also sustained a lot of psychological damage as I burned through 10 intense years of building my career in Atlanta.

As a way to re-establish my creative writing discipline, test whether or not I could religiously write while earning income through clients, and get rid of a LOT of baggage, I did the Top 500 Favorite Albums project. It was more memoir than music criticism, and it did the trick. Over two years, I allowed these 500 essays to help me pause, contemplate, sift through my life, and find the narrative through it all.

I found it. That was good. The project also unintentionally connected me with some wonderful people, increased the closeness of certain friendships where my memoir overlapped with their lives, and taught me that many friendships I still held close to my heart were not reciprocated. To paraphrase Neil Young, these friends were “just dead weight to me,” and I had to accept that I would not emotionally receive much back from these people anymore. I had to let them go.

Because of the personal nature of the posts, I only shared them with my Facebook friends. As Facebook became more dominated by recycled memes, news, and other soulless content, I began to grumble a lot as I shared the 500 posts. I was hard on myself. They got a LOT of engagement, but I thirsted for more like an insatiable addict. More importantly, I had some essential problem with Facebook that went deeper than the Top 500.

When I ended that project, I realized I needed to leave Facebook. For a long time. At first, I thought it was because of friends not responding “enough” to my posts (whatever that means). But as I looked deeper into myself, I understood a few things:

• Because of the overall lack of intention in my life, Facebook became a shortcut to social validation. I needed the daily (and sometimes hourly) validation like a drug. While I still functioned with clients, Facebook became a constant hit of social validation that I needed to get through a day. Not good.
• I made the mistake of assuming that the quality of my friendships and relationships in life were measured by Facebook metrics. I felt that likes, comments, and engagement - or lack thereof - reflected the real-world relationship. Not good. And I was completely incorrect. Many people who liked a lot of posts weren’t great friends. And many great friends never liked many of my posts.
• Facebook became a way to put off the deeper questions in my life that I ignored. Who was I? Where was I going? What did I want to do? Where did I want to focus my energy?

So, here are three categories of my life where I have made intentional improvements in my life since mid-2016. These kinds of things don’t happen overnight. In fact, I still feel like I tore down a house and I’ve only rebuilt part of the basement. There is much rebuilding left to do. Yet, these are the three tracks of my life that are sending me into my 40th year with peace, joy, and optimism about the future.

Creativity

Even after the Top 500, I felt like a creative failure. At 39, I’d written and written and written various pieces of fiction since 1991. No publication to show for it. Other people in my life seemed to pass me many times over in life’s race with tangible bibliographies, discographies, or other “ographies” to show for it. Me? Nothing.

Yet, I’d written so much. Four completed novels. Three mostly completed novels. Tons of other fiction experiments. I decided in mid-2016 that 40 loomed near and I needed to become more intentional with my writing goals. WAY more intentional.

I met a rare instant best friend out of nowhere, Mari Ann Stefanelli. She was EXACTLY the person I needed to meet. She founded a writers retreat called The Writer’s High meant to get people unstuck and back on their writing journeys - no matter how old, scarred, and wounded.

From her two writers retreats (one in September 2016 and one in March 2017), I've revitalized my writing. At her retreats, I networked with other writers and ended up joining the board of the Atlanta Broadleaf Writers Association. I met its Executive Director, Zach Steele, at the fall writer’s retreat. He's now a friend and part of my critique group - which started early this year. Four of us submit once a month and critique each other's writing. I get excellent feedback while also remaining supported and loved as I both rebuild and reenergize my writing.

That process led to a serious come-to-Jesus moment with my fiction writing after I attempted a novel about five or six times in late 2016 and early 2017 that I couldn’t quite get started. Instead, I took a giant step back and mapped out the entirety of the fictional universes I've created (and often abandoned) over the course of my life. I found that they all funnel into essentially five core stories that form part of a larger story.

One of them involves a character, Reginald the Talking Marxist Horse, who is popular whenever I’ve shared bits and pieces with both published and unpublished writers. I have a novel in progress (17 chapters) about Reginald from several years ago that seems like the best attempt so far. The problem I currently find with Reginald is that I feel I've been forcing him into stories rather than having him find a natural place in my fictional universe. He's a character in search of a story, and it should be the other way around. So, Reginald isn't abandoned but just set aside for now - and it's totally possible for me to work on it concurrently if I can figure out a good direction.

The novel I'm working on now (set on the planet Venus at an as now undetermined time in the past) is one of my five core stories. It's been a part of my mind and in my blood in some form since 1991 (the earliest draft exists from September 12, 1991). I think I can nail it. I even found a thorough outline (including fully written scenes) of the whole damn thing back in 2011!

Its sequel (and this is where I had a real epiphany) is a novel that I thought impossible to revise but that I now think I can rescue that I drafted between 2007-2009.

And then, there's a story that's been kicking in my head since 1995-1996 that I also really think I can nail. I've got a naive version of it from 2000 and then a better stab at it (12 chapters in progress) from 2011.

All of these stories intertwine in cool, awesome ways, and I just need to get my act together, focus, and complete them. I often thought these stories were just parts of my past, but as I near age 40 they still sing in my blood on some mystical spiritual level that I can't explain or shake off.

I've also upped my writing time to 6-7 days a week, more regularly cancel or reschedule social events around my writing time, and tightened up my time management to make it happen. I’m now 40 and yet I'm excited again about my writing like I'm 14 or 15.

I've learned, NEVER GIVE UP AND NEVER LET YOUR DREAMS DIE. EVER. But to do that, I needed to ask for help. "Ask and ye shall receive."

I'm obsessed with the new novel and thinking ahead to the five core stories. I'm fully immersed in my fantasy world and finding a power in my writing where every dead-end, failure, and adventure in my 40 years on Earth seems like it has led me to these moments. I haven't felt this way about my writing since maybe 2002.

Yet, to those of you skeptics and cynics reading this who feel that this is just more talk and that my past will dictate my future, that’s okay. Continue to disbelieve. I hope that you feel I’m over the hill. Full of shit. Washed out. Faded away. All talk. That I will never get published. Pile on the abuse. Laugh. Kick me when I’m down. Go ahead. Does it feel good? Do your successes feel better by contrast? Good. I hope my failures have made you feel better about yourself.

Okay. To those of you on the positive, nurturing side, I want you to know that’s the real opposition. Every word in that paragraph can be backed up by a story. Now, consider what options I have. Do I succumb to the past? Give up? Or, find grace and forgiveness in the process of living life. Try again. One day at a life. “Rise, let us be going.”

More importantly, I’ve learned that I can’t do it alone. I now purposely surround myself with people who support me in a positive, constructive way - from published writers willing to give me a hand to friends who simply cheer me on.

Symbolically, I received a gift this year from a friend. One is a bottle of red wine called Writer’s Block. One is a bottle of whisky that contains the phrase “Artfully Aged.” She asked me to pour out the Writer’s Block into a sink or bathtub. It’s the past. Going down the drain. Then, I am to crack open the whisky, drink a toast to myself, and look forward to my future as an “artfully aged” person. I will do that today at 6:23pm, the exact time I turn 40.

Creatively, I’m ready for my 40s.

Clients

I hit a relative rut from mid-2015 to mid-2016. I don’t mean to imply anything bad about the clients I had. They were great and provided solid work. But personally, I needed more of a challenge. Plus, after an intense six-month project with a client wrapped up, I found myself with just about the minimum amount of billable hours per month I needed to be comfortable.

So, I had to do some aggressive business development to change things up. More intention, similar to how I energized my creative life. I absolutely love writing for businesses, helping them with content marketing, and offering insights about content strategy.

While still working with my tried and true clients, Sophicity and the Georgia Municipal Association, I’ve been lucky to sign the following clients since mid-2016:

• National Technology Security Coalition: A policy advocacy group for CISOs, helping build their content from the ground up. Plus, I get to work with one of my favorite people in the industry: Patrick Gaul.
• Pindrop: A startup that's gone from 50 to 250 people in 5 years while raising $122 million in venture capital. Amazing technology and fascinating industry. And I absolutely love the people there. Brilliant, fun marketers.
• Manhattan Associates: Challenging, fascinating content development. Complex industry but I love learning the nuances and writing about the world of logistics.

As I grow more spiritual, I simply see client work as a way to help and serve. I am honored to help these companies, and their people have been wonderful and kind. I’m excited about the work I do for them and I feel energized about my career again. But I had to dig in, close the deals, and be intentional about the work I wanted to do. Not easy, and it required a lot of patience, but it was worth it in the end.

Counseling

I should really call this section “Spirituality,” but Counseling makes my three subheads all Cs and I also want to do my part to rid ourselves of the stigma attached to counseling and therapy. Despite my creative and career intentions, I hit a horrible wall in December 2016. Things weren’t necessarily bad. This was pure existentialism. Not good.

I found a counselor who blends cognitive therapy, psychoanalysis, spirituality, and energy healing in creative, progressive ways. I’m not going to list out the guts and details of my counseling, but I do just want to make a few high-level observations.

• I’m unnecessarily hard on myself, both creatively and career-wise. It roots itself in comparisons. I look at “successful” people, feel myself fall short, and then give up for long periods of time. Mostly, that’s because I use people as a benchmark. That’s not good. It’s healthy to have realistic ambitions if there are goals that mean a great deal to me. But I now realize that creative work and professional work are just ways to 1) practice spiritual gifts and 2) help and serve others through those gifts. Any “success” beyond generating enough income and writing well is mostly out of my hands. With my previous mindset, there was just no way to ever feel successful. The torture of failed ambition would never end if I continued down that path. I am learning to focus on my service to others and doing the best I can with the time I’m given each day. One day at a time.
• Despite the scoffing and surprise of my atheist and agnostic friends, I now embrace spirituality 100%. I try to maintain a low profile with this aspect of my life because it’s not up for debate against Richard Dawkins or Neil-Degrasse Tyson. Spirituality is now an essential part of my life. I don’t claim to have any answers, and I do not preach a creed or dogma. I simply read, absorb, talk with people, remain open, and engage with the universe while applying spiritual laws from a variety of sources. All I can say is that they work. It requires faith (not blind faith that atheists scoff at, but a form of faith that is impossible to describe to an atheist because I can’t test it in a lab) and a humility so deep that it hurts. All I’ll say is that I don’t run the show anymore. I have spiritual gifts in the literal sense. They were gifted to me. And it is my obligation and duty to share them. Help and serve others. Period. All of the purpose in life is contained in that spiritual law.
• While these insights are nice, I am now dealing with long-term buried anger, resentment, envy, and jealousy that have always inhibited me from truly enjoying life. That’s going to be a long process, but I’m already seeing positive gifts appear from at least heading in the right direction. A winter thaw takes a while, but the ice around my heart is starting to melt for the first time in a long time. I love people. I want to be able to show it more and have people more at the center of my life - with creativity and professional work simply additional conduits to help and serve people.
• Overall, I found myself lacking fun and spontaneity in my life. Fun and spontaneity cannot exist when there is always an oppressive to-do list full of work. But if I don't schedule fun and relaxation in my life, then my id and subconscious will find it via YouTube and distractions. I also need to let go of control. I’m comfortable with controlled things like conversation, coffee shops, and occasional nights out with friends. I'm VERY uncomfortable with parties, social events with 10+ people, improv, hanging out by the pool all day, etc. The loss of control, risk of rejection, and lack of being recognized as “special” or having an important role in a social situation scares me. Yet, I also realize that my armor closes off a spontaneous side of life that can be joyous.

A painful part of this transition is that someone as nostalgic, historical, and sentimental as me likes to cling to old friendships. But quite a few tried and true friends dropped me from their Rolodex. It hurts. But then I had to ask myself, “Do I really enjoy the time with them?” Doing things I don’t like. All head talk, no heart talk. Showing off material goods to me, which is funny because my favorite book is Walden. Dead conversations, indifference, and too many hangouts where I try anything and everything to add energy. My counselor points out that it’s dangerous for a high-vibrational person to expend energy on low-vibrational people. So, I now avoid wasting my time and energy on low-vibrational people - while still open to helping or serving them if the possibility arises. After all, people evolve. I’ve been low-vibrational in the past and had to work hard to generate more energy. Other people may do the same, and I need to remain open and helpful to their spiritual evolution if the opportunity arises. But I can’t pour my energy down a black hole if a person is at a heady, materialistic, indifferent, and/or hostile phase of their lives.

Another painful reflection is how many times I tried to make people like me in my life and career. Like many folks, I can be vain and want people to like me - often to the sacrifice of my values and personal boundaries. And I consider myself a likeable person. That attitude often left me exposed to the whims of many alpha personalities who easily manipulated me and ultimately grew disappointed with me. And I would take their rejections personally, as if my life was on trial and they were the judge.

Today, I have creative goals and a spiritual seeker's mentality that bleeds into my work. Not coincidentally, the more honest and upfront I am about my philosophy, the more I attract the right creatives, clients, and friends. So simple, and yet it took me many many years to learn. Now, there’s no need for people to get disappointed in me. That’s drama, and I avoid drama. Let’s talk about it. If we can’t clear the air, then I’ll go help and serve somewhere else. End of story.

I’m not alone in my struggles - especially when capitalism, the media, and the information age flood us with mixed messages. We are constantly distracted and our brains are flooded with too much information. It’s horribly unhealthy. While some days are better than others, I've managed to lessen the amount of time per day that I simply waste and I'm becoming more intentional. Meditation has helped a great deal, and I'm developing more awareness to identify times when I get distracted or stuck in a dark place. Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and Meher Baba's "God Speaks" are helping me spiritually and psychologically (along with the New Testament).

All of this positive work is also helping my fiction. I had feared reaching 40 while not addressing so much buried anger and resentment - and I feel that a path has opened up before me that promises some peace and a process for letting go. Magically, it seems that a lot of time I used to waste on Facebook, YouTube, and Google News has slowly disappeared. Now, I'm actually putting all on my focus on creative writing, clients, reading, exercise, socializing, and real fun stuff (instead of distractions).

A long update (and part of my acceptance about myself at 40 is that I like to mull and talk in a verbose fashion), but I wanted to let those of you who are morbidly curious know what I’ve done over the past year. If you were a Top 500 fan, I’m still toying around with the idea of a free or cheap book that collects groups of these essays. With my fiction writing really taking off, I don’t have much time right now to think about the Top 500. But it’s definitely on my project list.

I may gradually return to Facebook with creative inspiration, music thoughts, and funny posts again. But my time away from Facebook has been miraculously healthy for me. I want to make sure I have the right foundation in place so that Facebook complements my life rather than just fills an existential void in my heart. Something else now fills my heart, and I think that will help me keep Facebook at a nice, healthy distance in the future while using it to make you happy, inspired, or enlightened by whatever I share. And I hope to reconnect with many of you as I start re-engaging with you here - or elsewhere. If this inspires you to reconnect with me, please so do.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

[Jen]

Happy birthday- was happy to see this- great to hear what you've been up to for the past year. I've been among the curious and I'm so happy to hear you've had fulfilling time that has had so much emotional growth. Really proud of you and all the work you've been doing on your writing!

[Aaron Murphy]

As I was scrolling through facebook I noticed a name I had not seen in a long time of a person who I had not seen in god knows how long. Your stand-up at The Punchline after you graduated that comedy class is still to date one of my favorites (professional or not). And it isn't because you were second to last which gave me more time for drinks (though that probably helped).

Glad you are doing well and allowing positivity to take a bigger place in your life.

Happy birthday brother :)

[Christopher Dever]

Wow, great read. Thanks for sharing so much of your life over the past year(s). It's encouraging to hear from someone else on the journey seeking to find and be found. God bless bro.